Mid-life crisis: Working it or waiting for it?

Helena, my favorite aunt is visiting, so we are talking and laughing and smoking and getting our fill of girl-time.  She knows all about this mid-life crisis, of course, and has always listened, offered advice and commiserated when I she sensed that was what I needed.  The latest question I’ve been mulling over and have discussed with her has to do with a comment I tossed out to a recently rediscovered, long-lost friend.

I should qualify first, she is a born-again Christian.  This affects her beliefs (obviously) as well as her decisions, perceptions and decision-making.  Her not-so-subtle comment was, “hand this over to God.”  I came back with a “but doesn’t God help those who help themselves?” comment, which she gently deflected by saying “but that hasn’t been working for you, has it?”

True.  It hasn’t.  What then, does “handing it over to God” mean?  Setting aside who or what God is and which one I happen to believe in, is it really this simple?  If I am not able to get through this on my own, do I stop trying to work it and instead sit back and wait for it?  At first glance, this seems irresponsible to me.  Thinking through it a bit more, maybe there’s truth in what she said.  This trying-to-figure-it-out-on-my-own hasn’t worked.  Maybe it is time to throw my hands up in the air and hand it over to a greater power.

Is this called the power of prayer?  Is this the power of positive thinking?  Or, is this escaping?  Maybe some combination of those and perhaps more?  This is my to-do project for today.  If I do decide to pull back, accept I can’t do this on my own and sit back and wait for it, how long do I give myself?  As Colette keeps reminding me, “you can control the what but not the when” and so, if I believe this, do I wait indefinitely for God (for a lack of a better word) to figure it out for me?  In the mean time, if I’m not working this, if I’m not plowing on, what do I do with myself.  Ah.  Now I’m right back into that question.  If I knew what to do with myself, I’d be doing “it” already, wouldn’t I?

Godfry’s birthday is coming up.  I gave myself a year.  I said I wouldn’t complain.  The latter I’ve reneged on long ago.  I said if I couldn’t figure it out in a year, I’d go back to doing what I was doing before.  Not for the same company, but I said I would learn how to appreciate that.  Do I get another year to learn that?  I hated what I did before.  That I was good at it was no consolation.  And yet, if I reneged on the not-complaining issue, can I also renege on the giving-myself-a-year issue?

Today, I will sit and contemplate this waiting for it, handing it over idea.  Maybe tomorrow, too.  Maybe next week as well?  All this while I try to think positive thoughts about Clay and Olaf calling back with news they want to hire me.  Visualize taking that call……..feel it, expect it.  Do I really believe this?