Mid-life crisis: Two years later

Let’s review.
Two years ago I was crawling out of my skin. I had no idea what I wanted to be when I grew up. I was waiting for a lightning bolt to hit me on my third eye and give me the clarity I so surely deserved. It didn’t come.

Anger is a wonderful motivator. I decided if the lightning bolt was too chicken shit to hit me I would go looking for it on my own. I thought perhaps I might find it in graduate school.

I know……..

I’m not sure what my train of thought was at the time. I suppose this is where it would be big of me to admit self-analysis burn out and that I bolted into something that made sense on an “academic” and “cognitive” level. Working through what I was feeling, why, and what I could possibly do about it left me exhausted. I was now going to “think” my way of out of the mid-life crisis.

I will leave you with this thought: I have an absolutely wicked grin on my face right now.

Mid-life crisis: Working it or waiting for it?

Helena, my favorite aunt is visiting, so we are talking and laughing and smoking and getting our fill of girl-time.  She knows all about this mid-life crisis, of course, and has always listened, offered advice and commiserated when I she sensed that was what I needed.  The latest question I’ve been mulling over and have discussed with her has to do with a comment I tossed out to a recently rediscovered, long-lost friend.

I should qualify first, she is a born-again Christian.  This affects her beliefs (obviously) as well as her decisions, perceptions and decision-making.  Her not-so-subtle comment was, “hand this over to God.”  I came back with a “but doesn’t God help those who help themselves?” comment, which she gently deflected by saying “but that hasn’t been working for you, has it?”

True.  It hasn’t.  What then, does “handing it over to God” mean?  Setting aside who or what God is and which one I happen to believe in, is it really this simple?  If I am not able to get through this on my own, do I stop trying to work it and instead sit back and wait for it?  At first glance, this seems irresponsible to me.  Thinking through it a bit more, maybe there’s truth in what she said.  This trying-to-figure-it-out-on-my-own hasn’t worked.  Maybe it is time to throw my hands up in the air and hand it over to a greater power.

Is this called the power of prayer?  Is this the power of positive thinking?  Or, is this escaping?  Maybe some combination of those and perhaps more?  This is my to-do project for today.  If I do decide to pull back, accept I can’t do this on my own and sit back and wait for it, how long do I give myself?  As Colette keeps reminding me, “you can control the what but not the when” and so, if I believe this, do I wait indefinitely for God (for a lack of a better word) to figure it out for me?  In the mean time, if I’m not working this, if I’m not plowing on, what do I do with myself.  Ah.  Now I’m right back into that question.  If I knew what to do with myself, I’d be doing “it” already, wouldn’t I?

Godfry’s birthday is coming up.  I gave myself a year.  I said I wouldn’t complain.  The latter I’ve reneged on long ago.  I said if I couldn’t figure it out in a year, I’d go back to doing what I was doing before.  Not for the same company, but I said I would learn how to appreciate that.  Do I get another year to learn that?  I hated what I did before.  That I was good at it was no consolation.  And yet, if I reneged on the not-complaining issue, can I also renege on the giving-myself-a-year issue?

Today, I will sit and contemplate this waiting for it, handing it over idea.  Maybe tomorrow, too.  Maybe next week as well?  All this while I try to think positive thoughts about Clay and Olaf calling back with news they want to hire me.  Visualize taking that call……..feel it, expect it.  Do I really believe this?

Mid-life crisis: Interesting dilemma

I’ve been thinking (again) and find myself in the midst of an interesting dilemma.  I said I would work on positive thinking and I have been, trying rather, to do this and find, oddly enough, I’m not very good at it.  How hard can it be, you ask?  My sentiments, exactly.  I know I want to be open to new ideas and experiences.  I know I want answers.  Why then, it is so hard for me to envision myself having these?  How can thinking positively be such a challenge?

Taking a step back for a moment, let me share a quick story.  Recently, an ex-boyfriend of mine, ex-fiance really, offered me a job.  While twenty years ago there was no formal proposal or ring to seal the commitment, we talked about marrying and planned on it.  It was me who ended it, horribly, I might add.  I did one of those cruel things, cutting off contact without explanation, notice, or giving a reason.  I would ask about him through mutual friends and finally on one of these, “so how is Clayton?” fishing expeditions, Mariann, the person I always asked responded with Clay’s e-mail address and said, “you ask him.”  So, I did.  That was four years ago.  I apologized, explained my actions best I could, and we have reconciled and become, once again, good friends.

When Clay offered me this job, I was flattered and concerned.  What would Gavin say?  Could I work for Clay?  Clay and I would fight often, and hard.  I was one of the few people who knew which buttons he didn’t want pushed and I would push them.  While I’m not proud of this, I claim it.  Twenty years after the nasty break up, have we matured enough to find a way to work together constructively?  I thought so.  I still do.

Except, Clay is busy, swamped really, and we have not had time to talk.  This pisses me off, of course.  I’m ready to move on and he doesn’t have time to iron out details.  This is where the positive thinking comes in.  I’ve been trying to imagine what kinds of things we would discuss and how we would come to an agreement mutually agreeable.  I can’t seem to get there.  I find myself in these mental discussions I’m having with Clay and his business partner Olaf, oddly getting passive-aggressive, and in general, entering into a business negotiation I wouldn’t want to actually have.  Why is this?  Do I not want this job?  It fits me perfectly.  Do I not trust myself to work with Clay?  Why can’t I allow myself to have a positive mental dialog with them?  Why do I find myself assuming this won’t happen?

Interesting dilemma, indeed.  I don’t know what to do with this new problem.  To get to an answer, I have decided to set aside 30 minutes of quiet time today to answer this question about Clay once and for all.  I don’t believe thinking positively about an income is an impossible task.  Quite the opposite.  I can’t answer why this is so difficult for me, but I plan to find out.

Stay tuned.

Mid-life crisis: Positive thinking

Think this is a cliche?  Think cliches can’t be true?  Think again.  I believe this.  I don’t consider this an over-simplification of life.  I truly believe negative thoughts breed more negativity and positive thoughts bring on positive experiences.  Ah.  If I believe this, then why do I, why have I bitched and moaned for the past year?  I started this journey, this process of figuring out what comes next with the promise to myself I would not complain.  I hesitate to read back through the posts to see how long that promise lasted, but I have this feeling it didn’t take long for me to revert to the “woe is me” mentality.

Adrienne is one of these people who has what she calls “the zone”.  It’s bizarre.  She’s the only person I know who has odd, weird, sometimes funny and other times creepy things happen to her.  Consistently.  Every time we talk, she has a new story.  She attributes this to the energy she puts out.  She knows she has what she’s labeled a “bring it on” mentality and, what can I say?  People pick up on that.  She was sitting in a Starbucks today on her cell phone talking to me, and she describes this man who comes up to her waves and then walks away.  Ten minutes later, he comes up to her again and says, “how much?”  Tall, blonde, statuesque and beautiful, I say to her jokingly, of course, “he thinks you’re a hooker.”  She laughs back at me saying she just got back from the gym, smells, and is sitting in old and grungy sweats.  Was he hitting on her?  Was he a bit “off”?  Who knows.  This is not an isolated experience.  She attracts these experiences to her.  She knows this.  People who know her know this about her.  We shake our heads at her stories and say, “only you, babe” but if we were as open as she is, this would happen to us, too.  I believe this totally and completely.  Most of us are too chicken-shit to let these experiences happen to us, because, let’s face it–not everyone is comfortable with the notion of a strange man coming up to us in Starbucks asking us “how much?”  That Adrienne laughs it off, has fun with it is a credit to her personality.  This is only one of the traits I like about her.  I admit.  It is a bit scary to be that open.  Then again, isn’t there something incredibly exciting about that?

The point here is, the more “open” we are, the more we attract.  If we’re open to negativity, we attract crap.  If we’re thinking positively then good comes.  I believe this.  I really do.  A Wiccan friend of mind says this is a core part of the Wiccan beliefs.  She said to me the other day, “positive thoughts bring positive results, and negative thoughts the exact opposite.  You get what you expect to get, you know?  If you’re constantly complaining you always have crap to complain about.  It’s not a difficult concept, if you really think about it.”

I’ve decided to really try this.  Saying I believe it is one thing.  Doing it is another.  I am very good, very good at having imaginary “conversations” with my mother-in-law whom I bitch out and tell off at regular intervals.  I do this before bed, in the shower, as I drive.  What makes me think this will lead to a loving relationship with her?  Aside from the fact I can’t stand her, none of these conversations I have in my head have born fruit.  After 20 years, we’re no closer to getting along than the first time we met.  So.  I have a tangible example of how NOT to do create a positive outcome.  While I won’t use my mother-in-law as my guinea pig for positive thinking (just don’t have it in me), I have decided I am going to get serious and positive about being positive.

Give me a week.  I expect to write with mind-blowing information that will lead to all of us sitting and “Om”ing or meditating, or eating chocolate–whatever our method of positive thinking entails.  Simply put, if I can do this (read any post–I complain A LOT) then anyone can.  One week.  I’ll be back with amazing results.  Watch me.

Mid-life crisis: Worse case scenario

I found out today Drew, an ex-boyfriend from many years ago, committed suicide last week.  We had lost touch a long time ago and I don’t know what was going on in his life that led him to this decision.  For the record, as much as it sucks to feel stuck, and as annoyed as I am at myself for not being able to find a way through, I’m fine.  Yet, this is clearly not the case for some.  Was Drew, also 42, going through a mid-life crisis, too?  For all the complaining I do here and elsewhere, my mid-life crisis is a bump (albeit a big one) in the road and one I plan to navigate around or dig my way through.

I will not preach to others who may also being going through a mid-life crisis and say everything will be fine in the end.  Clearly, everything was not fine in Drew’s life.  I am not one to give unsolicited advice as I rarely find myself grateful when it’s dumped onto me.  Having said that, and I don’t say this to be trite or condescending, I encourage you who feel stuck, hopeless and desperate to seek help anywhere and everywhere you can.  This sucks.  Yes.  Feeling stuck and not knowing which way to go, where to go or how to get there plainly sucks.

Not everyone is a writer.  Not everyone feels compelled to tell the world their woes.  All that being said, this blog, the act of writing, bitching anonymously and yet publicly has helped me clear my head, gather my thoughts, understand myself better and get myself motivated to keep plugging away at this process.  If you’re contemplating the worst case scenario and wonder whether you should just leave and get out, and I mean leave completely by letting go of life, call 1-800-SUICIDE.  Plugging away at this sucks.  (Have I said that yet today?)  Hang on.  If nothing else, my hope is you see this blog and know someone else gets it.

The mantra

Hannah says the key to believing is repetition.  Or, that’s one of the keys to believing, she says.  You say something often enough, think something long enough, eventually it becomes a part of you.  Perhaps this is they key to the laws of attraction.  Smack me upside the head.  Obviously, this is the key to the laws of attraction.  You attract what you put the most energy and thought into.  That much I agree with.  Negative people attract negative experiences.  Nasty things seem to happen to them all the time like goldfish poo hanging trailing behind them.  People who are positive, upbeat, chirpy even seem to have nicer, more interesting and fun things happen to them.  Over simplification?  Possibly.  There is some truth to this though.  Call it laws of attraction, vibes, what have you.  Over simplification it may be, I buy it.

Smack me upside the head again.  All this angst I’ve allowed myself to wallow in, more angst than being positive, and I wonder why I’m stuck!  If Hannah is right and if I keep believing and repeating to myself “everything is going to be all right” and if the laws of attraction are right and I attract to me what I put most thought into, then it’s time for a new mantra.  Negative thoughts can go.  I will wallow in fields of butterflies and ice cream.  Scratch that. I don’t like ice cream.  Vats of chocolate.  Yes.  I can do that.

The mission for today is to find a mantra I can say and actually believe.

Mid-life crisis: Taking a new approach?

The short version is this:  I went on a job-hunting trip overseas recently and came back with some unexpected and interesting results.  That’s the good news.  The bad news is I checked my cell phone bill on-line today.  I won’t tell you what it is.  It wasn’t good.  I called my carrier and worked with them (they were great) and got it reduced by $200.  It’s still a painful bill.

Called Maria to bitch about this and ended up talking about how we are both envious about those who have faith.  I’m not entirely sure how it got from my god-awful phone bill to having faith–you’ll just have to believe me.  That’s the course our conversation ended up taking.  Point is, I told her how badly I, too, could just believe in this it-will-all-work-out way of thinking.  I don’t.

Maria said, “you’re the type of person who tries to make things happen.”  That’s true.  I’m not very good at sitting back and waiting.  (Scroll up to any previous post.  This illusive “lightning bolt” says it all!)

While I was on my trip, I met up with someone I had lost touch with over 20 years ago.  We sat over coffee and tea as I briefed her on this mid-life crisis (getting tired of this word, but that’s for another day) and as she is a Christian with deeply held beliefs, she said “maybe you should just give it up and let God take over.”  Ah.  Yes.  I’d like to do that.  My personal Christian upbringing takes me right to “God helps those who help themselves” and since I’m not a big friend of whiners, I go right back into take-control mode.

Then I read an article this morning about The Secret.  Positive visualization, meditation, believing, being specific, trusting the universe–I’m there, in theory.  The problem I have with The Secret is the DVD made it sound way too much like “I wanted a BMW, I asked for a BMW, I believed I would get a BMW and I did.”  That’s very, “I want a pony for Christmas” to me.  It can’t possibly be this simple.  Can it?

Clearly, if I’m stuck on not being able to believe the if-you-build-it-they-will-come philosophy, I can want something and ask for it, even visualize it, but the not believing part excludes me as a viable candidate from getting that pony, BMW, job, goal, life, etc.

So then.  What would it take to believe?  Really believe?  I new way of looking at this, for one.  Perhaps I should just let it go.  Whether I believe God or the universe or some great power will help me–wait, if I don’t believe that, then this whole point is mute, isn’t it?  Let me start over.  If I believe there is a way to get help, and if that involves letting go and being okay with what happens…………..no.  I don’t believe this.

For the foreseeable future then, I’m going to take a new approach.  I can’t control a lot of what goes on around me.  I do (try to) control what I can.  I make calls.  I write e-mails.  I think.  I follow up.  I try.  I think some more.  I try again.  Beyond that, I can’t make someone pick up the phone and call back.  I can try to be at peace with that part of not having control.  Right?

I am going to also try to believe.  I can’t do this by myself.  Whether I call it God or the powers that be, I want to try embracing “letting go” and sitting back.  I also want to try to believe.  Neither of these approaches will come naturally to me.  The key is to try.

I’ll let you know how it goes.

Mid-life crisis: Sorry!

Oh.  Wow.  I’ve really hit rock bottom when I take out my woes on the rest of the population via my blog.  My apologies.

On a random Internet cruise the other day, I found this link:

http://www.healthmoneysuccess.com/892/50-ways-to-make-yourself-miserable/

Of the 50 ways to make myself miserable, I think I counted 37 of which I do on a regular basis.  Ouch.  That’s pretty sad.  It made me aware of the negativity I surround myself with and how (drum roll, please) this probably contributes to being stuck.  Not rocket science, I know.

Yes, this mid-life crisis is hard.  Yes, this sucks.  No, I don’t know what I’m doing.  No, I don’t know what I want. Staying in this spin-cycle clearly hasn’t and isn’t helping so I’m going to try something new.

Perhaps if I embark on a journey of ridding myself of those 37 items on the list that might lead to clarity.  I won’t kid myself and say I can kill one bad habit per day.  This will be a long process but one that is clearly necessary.  I don’t like recognizing myself in a what-not-to-be list.  That’s an all-time low.

Commence digging…….

Mid-life crisis: This is too much

Colette says “have faith.”  Julia has faith her daughter’s college tuition bills will some how get paid.  By whom?  She isn’t sure.  She has faith it will some how work out.  Annie says “keep praying.”  I don’t buy it.  Having faith is not what it’s cracked up to be.  I feel alone.  I’m tired of not knowing and today, I have no faith there’s an end in sight.  Maybe tomorrow I’ll feel differently.  Today this is too much.  I just want to know.  I’m trying but I’m tired of doing this alone.  Adrienne says “you’re not alone.”  Really?  “Yes, really.  Others are going through the same thing.  I’m going through the same thing.”  Fine.  But, but ultimately we go through this alone, don’t we?  Friends can be supportive, but short of offering me a job, of giving me that magic word or idea, it’s up to me to figure this out.

Today, this is too much.  Today, this sucks.  Today, I’m tired of this.

Tomorrow?  What will tomorrow bring?  I have no clue.  I have no idea what tomorrow will bring and I have very little faith it will be any different than today.

This, too shall pass.  This, too shall pass.  This, too shall pass.

Mid-life crisis: What I’ve leard to date

1.  It sucks.

2.  There are good and bad days.

3.  Some friends will stand by you, others won’t.

4.  It’s harder than anyone says it is.

5.  The only way through is through.

6.  It’s hard not to cave and go back to the norm.

7.  It’s very lonely.

8.  I couldn’t do it without a supportive spouse.

9.  It’s hard to have faith something good will come of this.

10.  I don’t know what I’m doing.

11.  I’m tired of feeling stuck.

12.  I still want everything revealed to me in one dashing lightning bolt which will give me that a-ha moment revealing everything to me.

13.  I don’t know the way out.

14.  I’m not sure it was worth quitting a job for this (even one I hated as much as I did my last one).

15.  I’m so glad I finally have the opportunity to actually contemplate life rather than go through the motions.

16.  I don’t often have those feelings (see 15).

17.  I have doubts about whether or not God helps those who help themselves.

18.  It’s hard staying positive.

19.  This too shall pass.

20.  Some day I’ll look back on this and be grateful.  That day is not today.